St.Valentine...

St. Valentine,

I know you are dead but I thought it would be fun to write to you.

FYI, you've caused quite the riot on earth since you've been gone. I thought you should know what's been happening....it's utter chaos every February 14th, thanks to you! Here's a list of things I think you should know:

• People aren't telling how much they love each other throughout the year and then using your birthday, or death anniversary or whatever February 14th is, as an excuse to say the three words that would mean so much if said once in a while otherwise also.
• Every year on this day, the planet is infested with red hearts! It's like the 11th plague of Egypt, just that it's all over the world! They're in all forms - greeting cards, pillows, plastic frames, t-shirts.....arghhhh.....what a waste! Human hearts look nothing like that even!
  
• And so many cupids around! OMG....what are cupids anyway? Did you invent them, Valo??? If so, that was a sad and sorry concept. What a wrong and violent image of love to portray to our children....little flying fluffy angels that will hit you with an arrow and you will then fall in love? Ouch! No wonder they say love hurts! Cupids are stupid.
  
• Also, you will be glad to know that the Shiv Sena, this politicial party that believes it's the "moral police" in my city, have made a big deal of the day! They catch romancing couples and give them a tough time! Yeah! Couples in love roam around arm in arm every day of the year but they only see them today! On Feb 14th! How lame, na? Like seriously crippled!
• Then, to top it all, the big brands are making a stack-load of rokda out of the whole affair. They're selling everything they normally sell in pink or red pairs today and foolish couples are buying the maal at ridiculous prices....all in the name of love! If they just wanted to waste money, they could've burnt them in bundles, na?
• And finally, just have to add that there are still some of us left who know that true love doesn't need a particular day to be expressed. We value people around us everyday and tell those whom we care about how much they mean to us more often than once a year!
  

I'm sure this is not what you intended but it's the way it is. I hope you're not rolling in your grave!

After thoughts:
Who uses a heart-shaped pillow, anyway? HOW UNCOMFORTABLE IS THAT? Where am I to place my head? On the left bulge or the right? Or on the pointy end?

I think those pillows are designed to destroy relationships! You're bound to not sleep well and then take the rage out on your partner! No wonder divorces are on the rise! OMG!

No Sleep...No Love! Simple! In the name of love, please let's protest heart-shaped pillows! They're evil! Please join my campaign to ban these evil romance killers forever!

Get a "real" life....

Okay, I've OFFICIALLY had enough! Everytime I visit my Facebook homepage, I want a brown paper bag to barf in because all I can see are random "ZOO WORLD" and "FISHVILLE" updates!

Today was the height! I saw a Zoo World update on my home page that said:
*Sandra* is away and their new baby Brushtail Possum needs food. Oh my!
Sandra's Brushtail Possum was born just 3 hours ago. She is cold, lonely, and will get sick soon without any food. Baby wants to grow up big and strong some day and just needs a little help getting started.

What? A virtual animal was virtually born on a virtual zoo and it is virtually cold and hungry? And I am supposed to know this and do what? Virtually feed it? Virtually pet it? And do all this, not knowing for sure (and caring) what a Brushtail Possum is?

This update made me so sick, I instantly blocked the Zoo World, Cafe World, Fishville applications from EVER showing on my home page again. I also blocked my friend "Sandra" (That's not her real name. I changed it to protect her identity but i'm not sure she has one!)

So, for those of you who plan to continue on sending me any similar virtual world application requests and updates, here's the scoop: I HAVE A LIFE! A life that I love and I would rather pet a dirty parrier on the road than virtually pet a virtual animal on your virtual zoo! Wake up and smell the coffee...you're missing out on some good stuff in life! And if you're okay with that, then be okay with it...but please don't send me any more requests!

Here's a list of things that I'm more interested in than your virtual world application requests:

• Football (I don't care about football at all, so go figure!)
• Any other sport for that matter
• Dark chocolate (I hate it!)
• Ekta Kapoor's sob soaps
• Rakhi Sawant's faff
• Raj Thackeray's political agenda
• What's happening in Herzegovina (I really don't know now...but i'm sure it's more interesting than Zoo World)
• India TV and their "breaking news"
• Rajat Sharma's hairstyle
• Usha Uthup's music
• MTV's rehearsed "reality" shows
• Catching a Virar Fast train at peak time
• Orkut

The above list of things make me want to jump off a plane...but if you ever send me another virtual world request or update, rest assured that I will push you off that plane first! WITHOUT A PARACHUTE! Really I will! Argghhhhhhhh!

Phrase them out!

I've been hearing too many people use clichéd phrases recently...and, quite honestly, it's the reason I've been sick! I thought about seeing a doctor, but I'm certain this kinda sickness has no cure! Anyway, I thought I'd write about it and I'm sure that getting it off my chest will help heal the pain.

1. No big deal

I asked someone today to help me with something at work. They replied, "No big deal." What on earth? What am I to understand by that? They wanted me to know that they would do it but also pointed out that it wasn't a 'big deal' for them. Of course it isn't, you dimwit! That's why I asked YOU to do it! If it was a 'big deal' for you, I wouldn't have asked you in the first place. Arghhhhh! And what's the deal with this phrase, anyway? No big deal? Not a big deal? If it isn't a big deal, then just say 'small deal'! Don't say 'No'! So much negativity, it's driving me crazy! Humph!

2. Not my cup of tea

This phrase is just a lame cover up for laziness and lack of ability. How many people have you asked to do something and they've replied that it's 'not their cup of tea'? What they want to say is 'we don't know how to do it' or rather 'we can't'. But being the cover-ups that they are...they will opt for escape using this phrase. Not my cup of tea.

I wonder who invented this phrase? Must be a grumpy old English man, who sat in his arm chair one fine day, wondering what his purpose in life was after all...as he slowly sipped a cup of tea. That's when he had an 'Aha' moment and realised his calling was to invent boring phrases that would soon become famous. Everything else wasn't his 'cup of tea'! Turns out this wasn't his cup of tea after all—given how lame the phrase is and how heavily misused it is.

3. Raining cats and dogs

This phrase makes no sense. It's nonsense. Raining cats and dogs is supposed to mean it's raining heavily! But HOW??? I tried thinking of it from every angle but it still makes no sense. Sounds disturbing and worrying. I like cats and dogs and hearing this phrase always makes me think of little puppies and kittens falling from the sky and dying when they hit the ground. Why promote such violent thoughts? Children should be banned from being taught this phrase! It sounds sadistic and brutal. Hello, PETA! Where are you? You have PETA protesting against animal skin being used to make handbags...when people are freely suggesting that it's okay to see animals being thrown to their death from the sky! OMG!

4. You can bring a horse to the water, but you can't make it drink.

Duh! Of course, you can't! I hate phrases and sayings like this that state the obvious. Of course you can't make someone else do something that they don't want to do or something that they can't do! Isn't that common sense, or am I unaware of how uncommon sense is? And why did they choose a horse to be the animal in this phrase? How horsist! Wouldn't the other animals feel bad and left out? Uff! (I would've selected the sloth to be in a phrase like this, not a horse!)

5. Feather in one's cap

If someone suggests to me that something is, or will be, a feather in my cap...I'm going to have to remind them that I'm not Peter Pan. I don't wear caps and even if I did, I sure wouldn't wear feathers in mine! I understand it's a metaphor to suggest 'something that I will be proud of'. But, if you really want to use a metaphor to suggest that what I'm doing will be something I will be proud of, then please make it personal na? Please suggest something that I can identify with. 'This project will be a piercing in your ear!'

'This deal will be a new eyeshadow shade in your make up kit!'

'This piece of writing is a beautiful dress in your wardrobe!'

....you get the point!

I would love to go on but the other phrases that irritate me are not worth writing about.

They're as meaningless as Rahul Mahajan's Swayamvar. They're as unimportant as Ricky Martin's music. And they're sure as pointless as any point made by Rakhi Sawant.