Spam Bam....No thank you, Ma'am...

I just checked my e-mail to see if I got some mail that mattered and this is what I read—a forwarded e-mail titled "The Truth".

I usually give such humbug a pass, but for some weird reason I opened it and now I think I’d rather have gulped an entire bottle of caster oil mixed with raw egg yolk!

This is what the mail said:

THE TRUTH

Find a guy…who calls you beautiful instead of hot...who calls you back when you hang up on him…who will stay awake just to watch you sleep

Wait for the guy who ... kisses your forehead…who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats…who holds your hand in front of his friends…who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you…who turns to his friends and says, “That's her!!”

If you have a lot of love for someone, copy and send this to your whole list. In 5 minutes your true love will call or message you. Tonight at midnight your true love will realize they like you. Something good will happen to you at approx. 1:42pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere.

Send this to 15 people in 15 minutes to carry on the chain...and spare yourself the emotional stress.

OMG!!!! I can't believe that people still forward spam like this. I think the guys at MSN, Yahoo and Google should get together and send out a search party to find such humbug-forwarding loners and confiscate all their computers.

Anyway, the e-mail didn’t bug me as much as what it said did! So, here it is again…my two pence worth coming at 140kmph:

1. Who wants a guy “who calls you back when you hang up on him”! I mean the whole hanging up happened because you didn’t want to talk to him anymore. Imagine being nagged by someone you are mad enough to hang up on! Blah.
2. And a guy who will “say awake just to watch you sleep”? That’s just plain creepy. You wake up at night and two eyes are staring at you in the dark! I’m okay with just the All-seeing Eye looking at me for now. Thank you very much.
3. Whoever wrote this e-mail knows zilch about women. Which woman wants to be “shown off” to the world when in her sweats? That’s as far from romantic as the east is from the west!
4. Then…a guy who “holds your hand in front of his friends”??? How uncomfortable is that? It’s like being on a leash.

“I can take you to meet my friends, honey, but you can’t stray away!”

“Sit!”

“Roll over!”

“Good girl! Here’s a bone!”

5. This next one really kills me! A guy who turns to his friends and says, “That's her!!”??? What? What if you’re a petty thief and his friend happens to be the cop looking for you? He’d just give you away like that? “That’s her! That’s her, officer! She’s the one you’re looking for!” Who wants a give-away like that? Not me!
6. The last bit of this mail amazed me. It’s what I call a prophetic paradox: “Something good will happen to you at approx. 1:42pm tomorrow, it could be anywhere.”

It promises that something good will happen to you, but then it also says that it could be anywhere! What!!!?

Then, it specifies an exact time…1:42pm…but also tells you that it is approximate. An approximate precision! Wah!

After reading this e-mail, I don’t really know what to fear more — that something bad might happen to me given that I didn’t bother forwarding this e-mail or that the kind of guy mentioned in this e-mail might actually exist!

Weight a minute!

I was at Santacruz Station this evening and spotted one of those old-fashioned weighing machines with the flashing lights and the rotating circle in the middle. Since, I was just with my brother and a close friend, I thought it was safe to check how much I weighed.

I stood on the metal platform, waited for the rotating red and white circle to stop rotating, popped in a one rupee coin, and a few seconds later, I had a little brown rectangular card telling me my weight - 58 kgs.

I know I've broken the age old feminine code of not sharing your real weight in public — but, quite honestly, I really don't care. I hope I won't be ostracized for this act, but ladies...it's time we're honest with ourselves and the world!

Anyway, that's not the point of this post. I wanted to note how much the little brown card with my weight on it amused me! It displayed my weight on one side and on the other side, this was written in small black characters: "YOU WILL FIND HAPPINESS IN LOVE MATTER AND MARRIAGE RELATION."

What? The machine was trying to tell me what will happen to me! Weight and "fortune" telling machine. I didn't buy a word of it, but still, it amused me.

Whoever invented that machine thought, "Women are going to be the ones using this the most, and let's face it — they're not going to be happy with their weight — even if it's negligible! So, let's have a random fortune message print out on the other side of this card, so that they don't feel so bad about themselves. A little solace. Some random statement that's a positive assumption to make them believe that good can happen despite how heavy they are!"

Hmmm... They decided to pass on using an editor for their little fortune statements, too! I will find happiness in "love matter" and "marriage relation"??????? OMG! Reading that sentence made me want to put out all those flashing lights one by one with a little rock hammer!

What's the whole point of fortune telling anyway??? Why, why, why??? Not just this machine, every one is trying to tell you what will happen to you...the newspapers have columns for fortune telling money-makers, the TV channels have slots for them...the list is never-ending...why????

Me...I'm just glad knowing that I weigh two kilos lesser than last month and I don't really want to think about tomorrow or next month. God holds my future in His hands...that's all I need to know for now! :)

Indo-Pak Peace Project...Ahem!

I've never written anything in my blog this early in the morning, so you can imagine how badly I want to let this out.

So, there I was this morning...going about the mundane, getting ready to go to work, while dad was watching the news on TV. Just then, there was a commercial break and I happened to watch this "Aman ki Asha" Indo-Pak Peace Project advertisement. I'm sure you've watched it.

There's this old Pakistani man who, quite honestly, looks like Dumbledore from the Potter series...and he's across the LOC in Pakistan. He, somehow, has a radio with him and is alone on that side of the border.

On the other side i.e. the Indian side of the LOC, there are loads of Indians who are also mostly OLD people. I never knew they only had old people live by the border!!! Anyway, Dumbledore wants Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayengey played on the radio and for some reason there is no phone in the Pak side or he doesn't know the phone number to the radio station or something like that, and so he decides to play Dumd Charades with the Indians.

He enacts the phrase Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayengey and Indians figure it out. They call AIR and tell them to play that song. Needless to say, the RJ stops everything else she is doing and plays the song for Dumbledore. He hears the song over the radio (and believe it or not..the reception was perfect). He dances in a quirky way and all the Indians are happy, hug each other and dance. All are happy and the ad ends with these words on screen: "Aman Ki Asha" - An Indo-Pak Peace Project.

BLAH! That's what it is. How is that ad a "peace project"???? OMG. I wanted crawl up my window and jump off the building. That's what they call a "peace project"??? They're trying to tell me that an AIR RJ playing requests for an old Pakistani is going to bring peace across the border. HOW?? I pray, please tell me...HOW??? Is the old man going to listen to a Karan Johar movie song and then suddenly think, "We don't need all of Kashmir! Let's come to an agreement! Let's compromise! I must pass the word around!"

OMG!!!! And the height of unbelievable-ness (I made this word up just now!), is that after the ad, we were back to listening to the news where a very plain looking news reporter whose face was amply packed with foundation was ranting about the IPL auctions where Pak players were given the silent treatment!

HERE IT COMES NOW - My two pence worth...

I'll tell you what AMAN KI ASHA can do if they really want to start an Indo-Pak Peace Project — They can make a fuss about the IPL auctions that have gone so wrong and make sure the Pak players are given a shot! I know this sounds like humbug, coming from someone who knows zilch about cricket, but it's really what I think. SOMEONE TAKE THE GOOD PAK PLAYERS...whoever they are! Pay for them! Take 'em! They're good, I'm sure.

And then, even when this Ekta Kapoor soap drama that they call the IPL is over, there'll still be some good feelings left across the border. Humph!

Okay, I'm done....going to work now! What a start to a day! :D

My Lamericks

They're lame but at least I tried.

There was a couple from Peru

He stammered and she did, too

When tying the knot

All were distraught

Since they didn’t get past “I do”

Did you hear about Bertha the baker?

Who eloped with the local wine maker?

Though his love was blind

He couldn’t help but find

That her walk was a noisy room shaker.

In the church, I saw Mr. Matthew

Whose vision, it’s known, is askew

We all looked to God

And it seemed so odd

That Matthew was looking at Mrs. Lou

The Sushification of the world!

I know I've attempted dividing people into two types on this blog before; but I've decided to redo it.

All famous philosophers must divide people into two 'types', and so why not me?

Forget my previous two types. After much thought and careful reconsideration, I've decided that there are, in fact, just these two types of people:

1. Those who love sushi i.e. those who rock, and

2. Those who hate sushi i.e. those who are soon going to disappear from the face of the earth!

You don't have to agree with me, although I'm always right about things like this. It's just obvious that whoever invented sushi was one heaven of a genius. Whoever thought of yummy fish wrapped in rice and a leaf, ha? What a genius! What forward thinking, I say! So convenient, too!

Here in South India, we have to go through so much pain to eat fish and rice.

1. Place one mountain of rice on your plate.

2. Pour fish curry on the rice.

3. Mix the two together till the two become one (like in marriage).

4. Then make one big ball of rice and fish with your hand.

5. Now eat that ball.

6. Feel good.

7. Repeat the above several times.

8. Wash hands thoroughly.

A long, unwanted, painstaking process is what it is!

Now take Sushi, on the other hand. It is fish already wrapped in rice, and sometimes in a leaf, that you can buy in a take-away box. Here's how you eat it:

1. Open the box and eat the Sushi.

2. Feel good.

SIMPLE! I wish all things in life were as simple as Sushi. In fact, I think they should add sushi in the dictionary as a synonym for 'easy' or 'simple'. It could sound cool, too!

He: Hey, did you check my new phone?

She: Yeah, it's user friendly, man!

He: I know, so unbelievably sushi to navigate!

Wouldn't that make sense? I'm going to campaign for this to be added to the English dictionary outside the Oxford library or Merriam Webster's house, or wherever it is that they make dictionaries. I know some people will oppose this motion but they're the ones who hate sushi i.e. those who are soon going to be extinct.

Just to illustrate my point, I've made a list of things that are as unbelievable as not liking sushi. The chances that sushi haters will survive are as unlikely as the following:

1. Obama saying something that's not politically correct.
2. Indian hockey players being in any TV commercial.
3. India TV reporting something that is actually news.
4. Rajat Sharma not oiling his hair.
5. Rakhi Sawant saying something that she actually means.
6. Rakhi Sawant not saying anything for once.
7. Karan Johar making a good film.
8. Me watching cricket and enjoying it.
9. Me watching any sport and enjoying it.
10. You thinking that this blog is uninteresting (how impossible is that!).

I think you get the point! Sushi rocks and my theory is that those who don't like it will soon disappear. I call it the "Survival of the sushiest!"

Sentence Starters

I'm taking the liberty to add a few English words into a new category called "Sentence Starters" simply because they don't do anything more than that these days.

1. ACTUALLY

Actually, this word isn't used for what it means anymore. It's become an annoying sentence starter and some people overuse it so much it 'actually' makes me want to throttle them with my bare hands.

2. SO

So, this must surely be the most frequently used sentence starter EVER! It's also a creepy conversation starter. "So, you live around here?"..."Yes, and now that I know you do, I want to move to the other end of town!"

3. BASICALLY

Basically, this is more the sentence starter when you're answering a question. "What do you do then?"..."Basically, I'm an artist." Using 'basically' at the start of a sentence really messes it up, no? Makes you think there's more to what was just said, since what was just said was 'basic' stuff. "Basically, you're an artist, but what do you really do?"

Actually, I'm too bored to write anymore. :-(

So, I'm going to fly a kite now. :-)

Basically, it's what I do when I'm bored. :-|

Fire it up, baby!

So, I'm travelling in the first class compartment of a train this evening on my way back home, assuming that nothing stupid can happen that will make me want to whine about the Indian Railways on this blog again, right? Wrong!

Just when I made myself comfortable and sat me down, I looked up in relief and bang! There it was — a sign board that made me want to jump off the train!

Here's what it said:

FIRE SAFETY WARNING:

DO NOT THROW LIGHTED ARTICLES.

DO NOT CARRY EXPLOSIVE ARTICLES.

DO NOT CARRY INFLAMMABLE ARTICLES.

DO NOT LIGHT UP STOVE OR SIGRI.

OFFENDERS ARE PUNISHABLE WITH IMPRISONMENT UP TO TWO YEAR AND FINE UP TO RUPEES ONE THOUSAND.

HELP ALWAYS REACH YOU SAFELY.

1. "Throw lighted articles" where? In the train? Outside the train?

You see this line could be the most misleading IF we had law-abiding citizens travelling by train. Imagine a situation where by some quirk of fate, a poor law abiding Mumbaikar was handed a "lighted article" (a laxmi bomb or a lavangi srip) that he know is soon going to explode or cause damage within the train. His first instinct would be to throw the darn article out of the train but NO!!!!! The "rule" says "DO NOT". So, he will cling to it and DIE!!!

This rule angered me so much — not because the above might happen, but because they didn't think of the possibility that it might happen before making the rule. They didn't think anyone would even read it, let alone actually listening to it. That's the problem here! So many rules are made, assuming beforehand that they will be broken anyway! Sigh!

2. Do not carry "explosive" articles? What on earth?

If i'm a thieving, conniving, bomb-carrying terrorist who is planning to blow up the train, this sign will be the one thing that I must worry about! Oh no! What to do? I planned to bomb this train but the sign says "I can't!" What to do? What to do? I should've listened to Laden and taken up the London bomb routine instead. Oh no!

3. Do not carry "inflammable" articles? Uh...How?

Inflammable is anything that has the capacity of being set on fire. So, you're telling me not to carry my clothes, my bag, and most importantly, my hair??? What do they want us to do? Travel naked on the train without a bag, after we've shaved our heads clean? What if the TC comes? What do we show him then? Our passes or tickets? OH NO! WAIT! They're inflammable, too!!!!

4. Do not "light up stove or sigri"! This one really upset me!

I was planning a barbacue on the 08:26 Goregaon fast for all the familiar first class ladies, the group of 14-year old boys (who haven't reached puberty and travel in the ladies first class compartment for some reason) and of course, for the men selling earrings and hair clips.

BUT THEY HAD TO BAN THAT, TOO! You can never win, can you? Argggghhh!

5. What's worst is that if I break these rules, I'm not even sure how long I'll be imprisoned for — TWO YEAR!?!??

I think two IRS guys sat down one lazy afternoon to draft these rules. They had some thanda desi daru and chakna with them. After they got a little drunk, they couldn't agree on how many years to imprison offenders, and so they decided to settle it over a game of chess. They ended up check-mating each other simultaneously. That's when one of them said, "Chalo, let's compromise. You say two years. I say one year. Let's meet in the middle. Let's put "two year". How smart we are! Ha ha ha! Snort! Barf!"

5. The ending has to be the climax. Or anti-climax rather.

After they make you aware of the rules and tell you that you will be imprisoned or fined a 1,000 bucks for breaking them, they nicely add that "Help always reach you safely." Where? In prison? When I'm in prison for "two year", "help reach me safely"? What does that mean?

I think they were talking about help always reaching "safely" when there's a fire, since that was a fire warning. But, if that's the case then the word "safely" worries me. The help will reach me "safely"? You mean, the help will be "safe" but I may not? What if the train is on fire and I'm stuck inside? Help will not come, because it's not "safe" for them? OMG!

I wanted to set the train on fire after reading that notice, but I thought, "Nah! Some other day!"

I wasn't ready to be imprisoned for "two year".

:-|