Crosswords have been a passion and a friend recently introduced me to a web crossword site. The introduction developed into an addiction and I find myself spending hours solving crosswords online these days.
The simplest of clues made me realise one of my biggest challenges. It's strange how something as plain as a crossword clue can open your eyes to your innermost issue.
Okay, so the clue was (6 across, two letter word): A reply to signify refusal, denial or non-acceptance.
As plain and straight-forward as the answer was I didn't get it almost till the end. And when I did get it, I had an AHA moment, the eureka sorts. It was 'NO'.
It's the one word I can't bring myself to say no matter how much refusal, denial or non-acceptance there is involved! I've mostly used the alternative 'Maybe', 'Possibly', 'Later' and an entourage of similar borderline, escapist answers that don't really promise anything. I can now see how deceiving it can be for the person I'm dealing with. But, I also see how I must learn to say the word as it is when I need to.
NO. SORRY. I CAN'T. I WON'T. I SHAN'T EVER. NEVER EVER. NOT AT ALL. WILL NOT. WON'T. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phew! That was cathartic. Liberating.
There's such a fine line between being evasive and taking a firm stand. Stoic refusal can be the most difficult thing to do when there is the option of smooth escapism. But life is about making the harder choices, isn't it? And I know there are so many people out there saying that there is no BLACK or WHITE...but a lot of GREY in this world. I agree. But its not the grey people who make it big, no? It's those who are distinctly black or white. Who say dramatically controversial things that get talked about the media so much. I'd rather be the social activist who strongly supports a conventionally accepted 'vice' or a priest who opposes it with all his might than a politician who treads the line in between.
So yes, its's 2008! I must learn a new word everyday. I was thinking of using the word humdrum today and mediocre tomorrow but thanks to the crossword, it's NO every day. Every single day.
New year, new this, new that and so a new blog! So, apparently you can have as many blogs as you want on here. Start as many different stories of your life as you want. Only God will know which one of them is the real deal. But it's not that bad a venture I think. Managing four blogs (that's my special number) is like living four realities. I said realities because none of them have to be fictional or make-believe. I'm sure there is not just one thing running on a person's mind at one time, although I know some people who can't channel concentration on more than one activity at a time. The reality of what I am now can only be recounted once- NOW! So that's reasoning enough for the new blog. And besides, i'm bored with the old interfaces. To be honest, I don't think this is going to be a phenomenal eye-opener. It's just going to be there. To exist in cyber space maybe. Till I start a new one. I wish it was that simple to make a new start in life. To 'delete' my previous reality and 'create' a new one? To change colours so that everything around my reality seems great and positive? To rewrite a post that I have messed up? But it isn't, is it? It's irreversible this life. So annoyingly irreversible. People can just walk in and change it forever and you can just make one choice that steers you in the wrong direction and your circumstances can seems unexpectedly okay until you realise it's too late. Or is it?I can say 'No' when I want to. I run back to the start line and run again again. I may be late but I will never be lonely. It's weird how there are these moments when I feel I know and deserve so much better than anything I've got or chosen to get so far. It's those moments when I change. I change a little. And then these moments happen more often. And each time I change a little more, slowly retreating to being what I actually am. Circumstances make me what I am not. They challenge me and often I put up a strong face. I fight and pretend to be steely-eyed. I like to take them on like I only mean business. Sometimes, I need people so much that I start being what they want me to be. I become a pigment of their imagination. They make a 'Rebecca' in their minds and I live up to it. I match their mental portraits. But no matter what, I can still be me. I can still be the little girl who loves the rain and hates make-up. I can still be scared of insects and make faces like no one's watching. I can still cry like a baby, every time I want to. I can still be afraid of the dark and want mamma when i'm sad. I can be me again and no one on earth can tell me I can't because only I know me. I will listen for a while, laugh at jokes I don't understand for a while, I will be what you think I am for a while but then you know what? One day I will be me again. I will suddenly be what I am and you will not like me. But you know what I don't like what you want me to be either. And I want to like me more than anything else. One day I will get that crazy hair cut I've always wanted, I will travel far away and learn a new language. I will play basketball again and try my hand at painting again. I will earn enough money to buy myself a platinum ring that's as big as a golf ball and I will be thin enough to wear what I want to. I will eat like a pig and dance like one (I know pigs don't dance) and you won't judge me. Because I won't let you. And yes, this is to demonstrate my rhyming skills: It's 2008 and it's still not late!I want to be free, Just let me BE!
