My Metaphoric Mind

It's always interesting to read old diaries and blog entries that I have made. This afternoon I read an old diary of mine and as always I made myself laugh. It's not what I wrote that made me laugh, it's how I chose to write it and the weird symbolism I used to describe my thoughts.

But, it's always been like that and always will. People don't write well. They think well. It's not writings that interest me. It's what goes on in the mind of the writer. The thought world. That's where the creativity lies.

And I don't have excellently brilliant thoughts but they are okay. What's interesting is that my mind is like this playground of metaphors, to the extent that I think in metaphors even while doing very mundane things like travelling, cooking, walking......you know...simple things like that!

So, for today's entry I thought I'd write down some of the most common metaphors that go through my mind when I think about my life and myself. Here goes:

• My childhood has been like this smooth sailing ship that just took me from one port to another.
• My parents have been like pillars, literally, I leaned on them for years even when I was a pillar myself.
• My brother has been my superhero sidekick. What Robin is to Batman, he has been to me!
  
• My friends through school were like the clouds. I felt they were only as close to me as the clouds are to the hill tops that they cruise by briefly.
  
• Most of my other friends have been like politicians who would come to me when they wanted votes and then promise to be there for me and the rest is just obvious, no?
• Church has been like an army training camp - I've learnt my hardest lessons there!
• I've been Tom Hanks from Cast Away on my trip to the UK.
  
• And most of all, Jesus has been the Carpenter......drilling me, poking me with these tools, driving nails into my head and shaping me.
  

I can go on forever! But this is enough for now.

Edelweiss

It was a bank holiday yesterday and an uneventful one for that! Uneventful because it rained all day and my morning was spent planning how I can do something worthwhile for the afternoon. I planned all morning and then tired from all the planning ended up curled in a blanket, sipping tea and watching TV instead.

Turns out I did have a worthwhile time. I watched 'The Sound of Music' again.

The movie meant more to me now than any other time I've watched it and given the chance I'd watch it a hundred times over. It brought back such personal memories of my childhood.

I remembered how my mother used to swing me on her lap and teach me poetry even before I joined school. I remember how she played Sunday School songs on this old audio cassette player that we exchanged later for a CD player. She taught me the song, "Be careful little eyes what you see...be careful little feet where you go..there's a Father up above and He's looking down with love...so be careful...la la la la la."

I remembered how daddy always made up songs. I believed they were real songs until I was older and understood his rhyming talent. "My daughter, my daughter...my life giving water!"
He knew songs about every word in the dictionary. He would sing in shower, while driving, while walking...and it was always contagious! I remember trying to harmonise with him when he sung "You fill up my senses!"as he drove me to college.

I remembered Sammy connecting his guitar to his amp and playing so loud that I could hear him before I even entered our building on my way back from college. He used to keep his guitar on the loft and every now and then, mum and I would turn the TV volume down to listen to the faint sound of him playing the guitar when he was supposed to be up there studying.

And most important is the memory that made me cry. I remembered Mrs Emily, my primary school teacher who taught me 'Edelweiss' so that I could take part in a singing competition. I hadn't watched the Sound of Music then but I loved the song and I loved her too! I loved that she picked me to take part in the competition every year and taught me different songs. Others were 'Just before the battle Mother', 'How much is that doggie in the window', 'Red River Valley', etc.

As I remembered all these things and saw how important music was to the von Trapp family, I realised something else: Music has always been a very important thing in my family too! There's always been peace when there was music and there was music all the time!

Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Every morning you greet me
Small and white, clean and bright
You look happy to meet me

Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow
Bloom and grow forever

Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Bless my homeland forever

God, Bless my family forever!

Dancing Alone

What do you do on a lonely weekday afternoon? I thought I’d watch some videos online but I don’t know how I ended up dancing alone for a really long time. Actually I know how I did; it’s a long sequence of events that I’d rather not narrate here. The crux of the story is though that I ended up dancing to some Christian songs that were playing on my laptop.

I learnt something new today and as always I must share it with everyone: Jesus is a King seated on the throne and like every king, He enjoys dancing.

Also, there is a physical release that you experience when you dance.

It’s not like a subtle freedom that you believe you have received when you pray. It’s not even like a strong breakthrough that you hope to experience when you worship. It’s tangible, it’s instant and real! You feel it immediately and you can’t stop. You will want to dance unceasingly until you can’t anymore and that’s when you feel it. A light feeling like you’re floating, like you are in another realm of reality, a supernatural one. And it’s followed by this strong knowing that you have entered the courts of the King.

I haven’t done anything like this before. Never when I’m by myself, so let alone in front of other people. There’s a weird self consciousness that we all knowingly or unknowingly carry to church or corporate worship meetings. It’s this knowing that we are being watched by some people who may not be worshipping. This feeling that what might be expressive to you in worship can be oppressive to your neighbour sitting next to you. Literally. Stretch your hands too much and your hitting someone for sure. It’s difficult to let go of the mental control over your body and express yourself freely to Him, although He would love to have you care less about how your face looks when you cry or when you sing in church.

But that’s that beauty of personal worship. When you are alone with Jesus, it’s just you and Him and you can do what you want. I’ve always loved to lie down and talk loudly when I’m worshipping alone but today was the first time I danced like crazy. It was liberating, helped me break free from the stiffness that had got into me over time and helped me feel light weighted.

More than anything, I felt appreciated. Like I was dancing to please Him and strangely, that He loved it. I felt like the King was delighting in me dancing for Him. Like He was raising his sceptre to show that He approved of my presence and that He asked me, “Ask me for anything you want, and I'll give it to you.” It’s the best thing to hear from someone who owns the whole universe!

So dance when you’re alone. Let go of that tautness and rigidity you maintain when you’re with people. Take all those masks off and dance till you drop. Make the King happy and there’s no better feeling than to know you are appreciated, loved and craved for!

Past Party

Yesterday was eventful. My flatmate and I had a house warming party and it was well refreshing. We had old and new friends over and while I got to meet some interesting new people, it was also fun catching up with older friends and talking about the past.

I realised something yesterday at the party. Most of our conversations somehow revolve around our past. It doesn't matter if it's really old past or recent past- but we are usually talking about what happened.

With people you meet for the first time, you are definitely talking about your entire past in a nutshell - 'Im from here, I did this, I did that, I lived here, my parents did this, that...'
With older friends its usually always more reminiscing. Remembering good old times, bad times, funny times, sad times,weird times, pointless times, all the rest!

But, strangely, I didn't regret any of these conversations. I mean - I don't regret any of my past. Yes, I've made mistakes. Yes, I bring them up in these talks. Yes, I also always talk about how they've changed me and how I made the best out of them.

So talk if you must with new and old friends. Tell the new ones what they don't know about yr past and thank the old ones for helping you have a past. Do this over some drinks and good music and there you are! A past party!

Midnight Saga

I keep thinking I know what I want. But it changes constantly. And no one will ever understand that. I’m at a stage in life where I should be able to be by myself. Sit alone for like few hours and not feel even a hint of loneliness.

But it’s not like that. We all need people. Real people who will be around when we want them to. Who will tell us what we want to hear. And who will listen to what we want to say.

But alas that’s not the case. There are many problems with that. Firstly, there are no ‘real’ people. I mean, who is real? Real as in, really themselves around you. There’s always a mask. I mean we all have these guards when we’re around others. We aren’t deceiving but just not real all the time. So what we have aren’t real friends mostly. It’s usually people who trust us enough to let us know a part of them they think is acceptable for us to know and handle. The rest is hidden. Locked away in a secret place and they won’t let it out. Not unless you confront them about something else you found out from another friend of this friend to whom they had show nanother part of them. It’s not as complicated as it sounds. It’s simple. So anyway, those are your ‘friends’.

And then anyone you call a ‘close friend’ is probably someone who you have opened up a little wee bit more to. You have shared some of the crazy in you to them and they have as well. There is a mutual letting go. A sharing of information. A gradual testing of waters to see to what extent you can let go of your thoughts and yourself really and let them know you more and in turn know them more too.

But let’s face it, okay! No one is real to anyone else but to God and themselves.

And even these friends you think you can turn to may not always be there. Its not that they won’t. Sometimes they can’t. And sometimes when they are there for you, they aren’t there for you the way you want them to be there for you. I mean we all think we know what we want from people and we expect them to do what we want them to. But we don’t control lives. God does.

They won’t even say what we want them to. We can throw subtle hints. Big ones. Ask them shamelessly to say what we want to hear but they won’t. We can't control minds either. None’s mind. Not even God’s. He will not tell you what you want to hear. Sometimes He won’t even talk when you want Him to. Or maybe He does. But we don’t hear. Anyways, I haven’t quite got that bit sorted yet.

So why this lament at this time of the night? I’m sure if anyone reads this blog they must definitely be either bored to death or deeply saddened. But that’s not what I intend to do. I don’t want to talk about all these crazy things but they’re on my mind.

I’m there again. Alone and have learnt a new lesson. Actually it’s an old lesson but in a new way. It’s got a new name now. It’s called ‘TALK TO JESUS AND DON’T EXPECT ANYONE TO UNDERSTAND YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE COMPLICATED AND ONLY HE CAN FIGURE YOU OUT!’ It’s a hard one I tell you.

But you learn hard lessons the hard way. Cut away from many friends who knew me well (or so they thought and so did I); I am now thrown among people who can only hope to know me. The real me. The me that Jesus created – crazy thoughts, intense love, a passion for souls, an emotional mess, an imagination that won’t stop even for coffee– all in one package.