| I miss writing. I miss writing on this blog. I miss writing in my diary. I miss writing in my journal. I miss writing letters. I miss writing notes. I miss writing. Period. But hey, having said that, alteast I'm back in the game!! :) You can't ignore what you love to do for a really long time. It will catch up with you. It will eat you like a carnal desire that you can't resist. It will take over and push you to the edge. It will make you want to wish you could do it all the time, anywhere, anyhow. You can stay away from it but you can't run from it. It will have you and it will be what people know of you. Lord, help me 'love to do' the right things....beautiful things....things that you look at and enjoy seeing.....like this little blog here that probably no one but you reads... :) I'm back and it feels good. |
It’s amazing how only you can pull me out of my most distressing situations and make me smile.
No matter how much I try, it’s only when you are there that things work out the way they should.
Whenever I find myself in an inconsolable state, only you can reason with me.
I can attempt grandeur at all that I do but I fail miserably unless you help me.
What would I have done without you?
Where would I go when not a soul understands me but you?
Who would I talk to when no one even knows that I need to talk to someone?
When I find a place to cry alone, I know you see me. I know you care and how you try to show me.
I know you are so concerned that you look out for me.
You send people my way to help me cope.
You rearrange the universe just so I can get by one day more easily.
And do I deserve this?
Have I in my fickle and erratic thoughts even considered what I can do back for you?
Why do I look for affirmation from others?
Why do I want to be loved more?
Why can’t I be satisfied?
Yet you never give up, do you?
You can’t get your eyes off me, can you?
You insist on loving me more every day, don’t you?
Though I pretend otherwise, I can’t live without you.
I can’t work.
I can’t write.
I can’t be.
Thanks for being there!
15 The LORD has taken away your punishment,
he has turned back your enemy.
The LORD, the King of Israel, is with you;
never again will you fear any harm.
16 On that day they will say to Jerusalem,
"Do not fear, O Zion;
do not let your hands hang limp.
17 The LORD your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing."
18 "The sorrows for the appointed feasts
I will remove from you;
they are a burden and a reproach to you.
19 At that time I will deal
with all who oppressed you;
I will rescue the lame
and gather those who have been scattered.
I will give them praise and honor
in every land where they were put to shame.
20 At that time I will gather you;
at that time I will bring you home.
I will give you honor and praise
among all the peoples of the earth
when I restore your fortunes
before your very eyes,"
says the LORD.
It was a bank holiday yesterday and an uneventful one for that! Uneventful because it rained all day and my morning was spent planning how I can do something worthwhile for the afternoon. I planned all morning and then tired from all the planning ended up curled in a blanket, sipping tea and watching TV instead.
Turns out I did have a worthwhile time. I watched 'The Sound of Music' again.
The movie meant more to me now than any other time I've watched it and given the chance I'd watch it a hundred times over. It brought back such personal memories of my childhood.
I remembered how my mother used to swing me on her lap and teach me poetry even before I joined school. I remember how she played Sunday School songs on this old audio cassette player that we exchanged later for a CD player. She taught me the song, "Be careful little eyes what you see...be careful little feet where you go..there's a Father up above and He's looking down with love...so be careful...la la la la la."
I remembered how daddy always made up songs. I believed they were real songs until I was older and understood his rhyming talent. "My daughter, my daughter...my life giving water!"
He knew songs about every word in the dictionary. He would sing in shower, while driving, while walking...and it was always contagious! I remember trying to harmonise with him when he sung "You fill up my senses!"as he drove me to college.
I remembered Sammy connecting his guitar to his amp and playing so loud that I could hear him before I even entered our building on my way back from college. He used to keep his guitar on the loft and every now and then, mum and I would turn the TV volume down to listen to the faint sound of him playing the guitar when he was supposed to be up there studying.
And most important is the memory that made me cry. I remembered Mrs Emily, my primary school teacher who taught me 'Edelweiss' so that I could take part in a singing competition. I hadn't watched the Sound of Music then but I loved the song and I loved her too! I loved that she picked me to take part in the competition every year and taught me different songs. Others were 'Just before the battle Mother', 'How much is that doggie in the window', '
As I remembered all these things and saw how important music was to the von Trapp family, I realised something else: Music has always been a very important thing in my family too! There's always been peace when there was music and there was music all the time!
Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Every morning you greet me
Small and white, clean and bright
You look happy to meet me
Blossom of snow may you bloom and grow
Bloom and grow forever
Edelweiss, Edelweiss
Bless my homeland forever
God, Bless my family forever!
What do you do on a lonely weekday afternoon? I thought I’d watch some videos online but I don’t know how I ended up dancing alone for a really long time. Actually I know how I did; it’s a long sequence of events that I’d rather not narrate here. The crux of the story is though that I ended up dancing to some Christian songs that were playing on my laptop. I learnt something new today and as always I must share it with everyone: Jesus is a King seated on the throne and like every king, He enjoys dancing.
Also, there is a physical release that you experience when you dance.
It’s not like a subtle freedom that you believe you have received when you pray. It’s not even like a strong breakthrough that you hope to experience when you worship. It’s tangible, it’s instant and real! You feel it immediately and you can’t stop. You will want to dance unceasingly until you can’t anymore and that’s when you feel it. A light feeling like you’re floating, like you are in another realm of reality, a supernatural one. And it’s followed by this strong knowing that you have entered the courts of the King.
I haven’t done anything like this before. Never when I’m by myself, so let alone in front of other people. There’s a weird self consciousness that we all knowingly or unknowingly carry to church or corporate worship meetings. It’s this knowing that we are being watched by some people who may not be worshipping. This feeling that what might be expressive to you in worship can be oppressive to your neighbour sitting next to you. Literally. Stretch your hands too much and your hitting someone for sure. It’s difficult to let go of the mental control over your body and express yourself freely to Him, although He would love to have you care less about how your face looks when you cry or when you sing in church.
But that’s that beauty of personal worship. When you are alone with Jesus, it’s just you and Him and you can do what you want. I’ve always loved to lie down and talk loudly when I’m worshipping alone but today was the first time I danced like crazy. It was liberating, helped me break free from the stiffness that had got into me over time and helped me feel light weighted.
More than anything, I felt appreciated. Like I was dancing to please Him and strangely, that He loved it. I felt like the King was delighting in me dancing for Him. Like He was raising his sceptre to show that He approved of my presence and that He asked me, “Ask me for anything you want, and I'll give it to you.” It’s the best thing to hear from someone who owns the whole universe!
So dance when you’re alone. Let go of that tautness and rigidity you maintain when you’re with people. Take all those masks off and dance till you drop. Make the King happy and there’s no better feeling than to know you are appreciated, loved and craved for!
I keep thinking I know what I want. But it changes constantly. And no one will ever understand that. I’m at a stage in life where I should be able to be by myself. Sit alone for like few hours and not feel even a hint of loneliness.
But it’s not like that. We all need people. Real people who will be around when we want them to. Who will tell us what we want to hear. And who will listen to what we want to say.
But alas that’s not the case. There are many problems with that. Firstly, there are no ‘real’ people. I mean, who is real? Real as in, really themselves around you. There’s always a mask. I mean we all have these guards when we’re around others. We aren’t deceiving but just not real all the time. So what we have aren’t real friends mostly. It’s usually people who trust us enough to let us know a part of them they think is acceptable for us to know and handle. The rest is hidden. Locked away in a secret place and they won’t let it out. Not unless you confront them about something else you found out from another friend of this friend to whom they had show nanother part of them. It’s not as complicated as it sounds. It’s simple. So anyway, those are your ‘friends’.
And then anyone you call a ‘close friend’ is probably someone who you have opened up a little wee bit more to. You have shared some of the crazy in you to them and they have as well. There is a mutual letting go. A sharing of information. A gradual testing of waters to see to what extent you can let go of your thoughts and yourself really and let them know you more and in turn know them more too.But let’s face it, okay! No one is real to anyone else but to God and themselves.
But you learn hard lessons the hard way. Cut away from many friends who knew me well (or so they thought and so did I); I am now thrown among people who can only hope to know me. The real me. The me that Jesus created – crazy thoughts, intense love, a passion for souls, an emotional mess, an imagination that won’t stop even for coffee– all in one package.
